This head of mine

i think....

about different things all the time almost constantly thinking thinking thinking to the point where i am actually mouthing and quietly verbalizing my thoughts out loud... does anyone else do this too?

let's see i'm going to try and put my thoughts in perspective in a timeline if i can.... from my earliest thoughts to my present day thoughts.

when i was a little girl i used to fantasize about living in a flat(british term for apartment) with my two best friends Megan & Kirsten. and we dreamed of being nurses and secretaries.... how so much has changed for A/all of us. Megan died July 18, 1986 in a fatal head on collision which also took her mother and left her little sister Justine, paralyzed and without legs from the waist down. i had a horrible time dealing with her death and really had no one to help me deal with the loss. i couldn't understand why such a loving God would take her and her Mom away from her father and sister. i didn't understand why she had to die. she had so much to live for. she was an excellent swimmer, did ballet, tap dancing, very pretty and very mucch popular in school with everyone. her parents were going to seperate but reconciled so they had gone away for a family trip up by New Plymouth and on the way back home Megan was snatched from my life suddenly and painfully. i had not gone to school that day i stayed home and was laying on my bed listening to the radio when i heard Megan and her family were in a terrible accident. only thing i didn't know was that she had died instantly and her mother enroute to the hospital. the broadcast story said she was in serious condition in a hospital, the long agonizing hours i sat at home hoping to hear more news about what happend was hard. i cried and cried hoping Megan was ok never not expecting to see her ever again. as soon as school was over and done with i could up other mutual friends to see if there wasn't possibly some mistake. that's when i was informed she wasn't hurt she had died. i had tried so hard to hold myself together on the phone but i couldn't i never felt so alone, and angry that she was gone....

the things i loved and admired about Megan was she had guts... she did things that i never thought of doing or could do.... silly things but things i remember... i had known Megan all my life in school from St. Mary's Primary School till her death when we were at St. Peter's College and Intermediate. and though sure as friends do we had our moments her loss hit me hard.

tuesday after i had heard the news i wanted to go to school because i didn't want to believe it. thinking to myself no this is a mistake refusing to believe. then i heard one of the boys running around saying she's dead your friend's dead *sighs in sadness i tried to stay strong not letting any emotion show what so ever telling myself "ur not going to cry". then in art class, a girl walks up to me and say i'm sorry your friend died..... and my eyes filled with tears and before i knew it tears were streaming down my face. our art instructor ok'd a group of girls to take me to the chapel to pray. they prayed but i could not utter a single prayer, i just felt so much anger and i walked out of the chapel and walked off the school grounds. stopped of at a business and called my mom to come get me that i didn't want to be in school anymore.... when she didn't i walked all the way home myself. school was never the same for me after that.

i'm gonna stop at this point because i'm feeling way too sad, crying way too much and feeling way too much alone.... i know i am loved by many and protected by many but i'm so lonely for physical love. i guess for the love of someone who can make me feel safe, protect me, love my heart with all of his... *sighs i'd be happy to serve him